If others believed in me, I’d probably rule the world

Because what has always motivated me was people.

The problem is that, because I’m neurodivergent, I’m constantly underestimated.

People don’t realize what I’m capable of.

For example, when there were study groups for my classes at the University of Houston, I would be the one person who was excluded – which I think was on purpose.

Of course, they had zero clue that I was currently making over a 100 in at least two non-art classes over the course of each of the four semesters that I attended that school, and they never did.

This is what happens when you don’t give people a chance, you miss out.

Humans can be the greatest risk and the greatest investment – but people often take humans, especially us disabled humans, for granted if they don’t have a current relationship, don’t look physically attractive, don’t have a lot of money, or the like.

This isn’t me hating on people. To the contrary, I still have compassion for people, I just don’t trust people that often since my experiences with humans have been, for the most part, discouraging.

But I can’t help but imagine what my world would be like had I been empowered.

Had people had faith in me.

Had people believed in me.

Had people affirmed me.

I probably wouldn’t have this complex where I’m always people-pleasing and the CPTSD that I have now probably would not have existed or, at least if it did, it wouldn’t be as severe as it is (I literally have anxiety if I know that I have to go outside).

I would also not be on this long journey of finding myself because I wouldn’t have allowed others to corrupt my vision of who I am with their vision of who I should have been.

And, of course, I would be so confident to where, yeah, maybe I would rule the world. Benevolently.

Of course.

But I’m also certain that there are a lot of people in the US, alone, who could be better off had compassion been given to them.

Even with my mental health spirals, at least I find a way to get back on my feet, even if it takes literal tears, mental anguish, etc. to get to that point.

In Japan and Korea, many people identify as “hikikomori”, and I have always identified with them. I’m deathly afraid of in-person human interaction, not in the least bit because I’m immunocompromised, while in this “lovely” neighborhood of mine, everyone stares.

They just stare at me.

Because yes, I have to wear a mask most of the time that I’m outside since allergy season is almost year-round here.

But I digress, like I always do.

All I know is that, if I had been given more compassion earlier in life, I may be a lot more confident than I am now at this stage in my life.

Of course, being ostracized does give me one good trait.

And that is that I refuse to conform (with writing standards, with the way that I speak, with the way that I act, etc.) since, what would I be if I don’t stay true to myself?

Even if I don’t fully know myself, even at 30, I do know that I’m not just supposed to stop being me – at least the me that I know I am.

Simply put, because compassion was always something that was lacking for me, I have learned to persist, independently, having the neurodivergent traits that I have (autistic, ADHD, and OCD), having persistent depression and moderate anxiety, being queer and nonbinary, and being Filipino.

… and that almost makes this worth it.

And also this, believe me when I say that the only people who have ever been wrong about me are those who never believed in me.

So yes, someone’s belief in me, in my capacity, capabilities, and abilities overall, is the greatest gift that I can get. Just understand my boundaries.

Also, I can start believing in myself too.

I didn’t know that I could take photographs like the featured image with my phone in the worst lighting possible.

And I didn’t know that I would be able to make something like this:

https://www.instagram.com/ar/403255512042821/

But I started to learn how to make AR effects and I did.

So I’ll take my own advice, and believe in myself as well, because I know that I can go places. 

I at least have that much confidence in myself.

And I also know that it’s when we believe in each other when we can start imagining a better world.

Thanks for reading!

– Fornesus