The challenges of a neurodivergent/disabled perfectionist, and why they exist to begin with.

To start…

I am a perfectionist, and I have OCD and ADHD.

I’m also autistic.

By default, I have to play by society’s rules just to function – we all do.

But I also have the additional challenge of playing by rules that I did not exactly consent to but were, instead, forced upon me and others like me.

The issue with accommodations

While accommodations exist, the impetus is still on the already marginalized and disabled person to speak up or take action. 

Every point of the accommodations process at school or at work can be a challenge. 

At school, you have to submit the accommodations letter, yourself, to a professor who may or may not respect these needs. At work, you also have to file for accommodations and can be rejected at any point in the process just because someone in the HR process can deem you as “not being disabled enough” for said accommodations. (FYI: this is where the EEOC comes in for Americans who have experienced this).

But what this boils down to is the bureaucratic disorganization of making spaces accessible for disabled people.

My issues with confidence

Yet, I often see myself as a failure for not being able to adjust or accommodate these normalities of the world that I was born into.

I can’t help it. I have always fit in “well enough” to where I have always been subject to these expectations of perfection that have always led to my doubts in my ability to do things like write, make art, or even value my perspective – even though these are things that I have always received some level of praise for.

At the same time, it’s so difficult for people like myself to find community in ways that aren’t hyperbolized, overpoliticized, or free of constant discourse that serve as time wastes.

The impact of politicizing identities

Of course, our existence is inherently political because things are only controversial when people or ideas refuse to conform to societal norms, even when it’s literally impossible for us to conform to social norms as social norms demand that disabled people not be ourselves.

This also goes for me as someone who is queer, nonbinary, and Filipino.

Dissociation

And, honestly, these pressures are intimidating and can be damaging to anyone’s mental health and well-being, but especially as someone who already suffers from CPTSD and persistent depressive disorder. That is specifically why I see myself as a failure to the point of not even trying.

Thus, I have spent many years and often cycle into dissociating from the work that I love to do or even being in community with others who, very often, do not even care about what I have to say, write or, otherwise, communicate.

At some point, does it even matter that I push boundaries to change minds when you can fail all the time? Or will I actually make a difference for the better by telling my story?

Is it worth it?

The answer is, ultimately, yes. But my lack of a positive self-image and self-esteem is due to society’s expectations that I show myself to be “valuable enough” to warrant empathy for my conditions, whether they be material, societal, and the like.

And, basically, if you aren’t seen as an inspiration, willing to betray your community to gain the favor of the more privileged in society or, otherwise, assimilate yourself into “passing” – you aren’t deemed to be “good enough” for society because you don’t fit the bill for what someone in your position should (ideally) be doing.

To summarize…

So, yes, there are many things that I struggle with but, mainly, here’s the short list of them:

• Being accepted and affirmed, by others, for who I am.
• Understanding that I do not need to fit society’s standards or please anyone.
• Allowing myself to be set free from the oppressive expectations or standards of others.
• Fully accepting that I am physically disabled, neurodivergent, queer, nonbinary, and FIlipino and should never be made to feel like my perspective, story or lived experiences do not matter.

Again, members of other marginalized groups or those with different lived experiences and marginalized identities may also relate to these things.

The point…

But the point is that my challenges are due to a lack of empathy from the world around me – which is also what inspires me to do my best to normalize empathizing and affirming my fellow human. 

Yes, there are times when I’m bitter, angry, hurt, and extremely frustrated because I often feel misunderstood.

However, it is my duty to myself to never allow the challenges that I face to justify pain or hurt against another person, even those who some may consider to be more privileged or have wanted to hurt me in the past. I honestly struggle with this and often get into arguments online, but this is a futile effort.

Empathy is the ultimate human virtue. And empathy is the solution to my challenges, as well as those that others may face.

I have had to realize, and still struggle with this realization, that failure does not actually make me worth any less than the value that I inherently have as a human being. 

To begin with, fitting into the standards of a society that was not meant to include me should have never been my priority. 

I understand now that what makes me inherently valuable is my humanity, in the same way that your value lies in your humanity, not your contributions or legacy.

We are all good enough, and great things come from people who know and understand this and, as a result, are empowered to make positive changes in the world.

In Conclusion…

So I know now that:

• My writing is good enough, I can always improve, but I show my voice, perspective, and line of thought in everything that I write.
• My existence is good enough, valuable, and I will affirm and honor it, rather than seeking validation from others to do these things for me.
• Others struggle with the same issues, even those with experiences unlike mine so, to everyone: you are good enough. 
• Your past does not define you. For so long, I have allowed my past to hold me back, but no longer.

It is the challenges and hurdles that prevent us from valuing each other that must be overcome, not our identities, values, virtues, or the other things that make us who we inherently are.

But I do hope that this article was of value to you, and thank you for reading/listening.

– Fornesus