A long life might be torture, at least from my perspective

I would much rather live a life well-lived, rather than this security blanket of safety that I currently have no choice but to stick to.

I was a sheltered kid who became a reclusive adult, but if I had a choice, I wouldn’t live this way.

I would live life to the fullest if only I didn’t have chronic health issues keeping me inside.

I would walk for miles and miles across the city if I didn’t live in a suburb.

I would take road trips every weekend and talk to people if I didn’t have constant anxiety about driving in the most deadly state to be a driver or social anxiety about talking in the first place.

Even if these behaviors only got me to 50 because, let’s face it, it’s always been dangerous to be an American, especially an American with a brown skin complexion (even worse for those whose complexions are far darker), I would still say that life was worth living as at least I would enjoy it.

Longevity isn’t the point of life.

What you get out of life is part of the point.

Taking risks. Meeting new people. Having new lovers.

This was exactly how queer men lived in the 80’s and 90’s during the height of the HIV pandemic.

They lived life to the fullest, died young, but also refused to let a government that didn’t care about them stop them from being themselves.

I wish to have an iota of the life that each of those people lived.

Life is about being happy, right?

Maybe not.

Life is about what you want to get out of it.

And I want to make an impact in this life, even if it takes years, decades or centuries for this to be recognized.

I will, of course, appreciate every year as I get older.

I am 30 now, after all.

Even though I still feel like a child sometimes, I’m not one.

I’m a full grown adult who needs to make the best and most responsible decisions to protect myself and my family.

Responsibility is probably the biggest enemy of a life well-lived,

But someone has to do it.

Otherwise, we will collapse as a society,

Though, arguably.

Would that be such a bad thing?

Thanks for reading my rant,

I guess.