Life after layoff: worrying is my biggest time waster

How do you waste the most time every day?

Obviously it’s justified, given the imminent onset of WWIII, my recent layoff, and financial and life instability in general. But, still, I signed up for severance to be able to focus, not only on school (I’m a Master’s candidate who’s two semesters away from graduation) but also on what I actually want to do in this life.

Though I’m still “only” in my early 30’s (to some that’s ancient), I know that time is ticking in terms of establishing a career, one that I actually want. This doesn’t mean that I regret the work that I have done for the past five years, or the people that I’ve encountered and met along the way, but I do regret that it took me this long to take this step, albeit a layoff is the best possible scenario, legally speaking.

Ultimately, I worry because I don’t know if I’ll succeed or fail and, if I fail, how to get back on my feet.

Over the weekend, I’ve spent far too much time worried about the toll this will all take on my elderly parents, even if I know that staying in a situation that didn’t make me happy (or even emotionally stable) isn’t fair to me either.

It’s Monday afternoon where I’m at, and it’s just the strangest feeling to wake up late (after a night of tackling homework and Coursera coursework) instead of coming home, exhausted, from a day at the office.

Over time, I know that I’ll get used to this feeling, of strangeness, of understanding that I’ve been given this time to focus and that even my parents support me in this process of getting laid off and not necessarily obtaining a job right away (although it took a while).

I have four weeks of a paycheck, then severance (plus a few unpaid vacation hours) left before I need to file for unemployment. So, for the next month, my main jobs are 1) to do my best at school and, 2) to do my best at upskilling, and finally 3) explore my passions, and these will be my most important tasks for the foreseeable future.

Even though I’m a worried, anxious mess for the time being, I know the assignment, I understand it, and I’m ready to tackle what’s next.

Frankly, opening up the Word document containing one of my papers, just now, filled me with an endorphin rush, and I fear that the people in my life are correct in telling me that this academic stuff is the right path – even though I’ve already decided for myself that this is the case.