Such an overachiever, my dreams don’t exist yet.

What’s your dream job?

So, of course my dream job won’t either.

As a follow up to this article of mine that I found from over a year ago, maybe I don’t have a dream job because the one for me doesn’t exist yet.

“How”, you may ask. “You’re already 32?”

Maybe it’s explained by my propensity towards using AI, in spite of the initial hesitation I had as an artist.

Possibly, it’s the fact that I spent 5 years working in a role that I stayed in just because “Fortune 500” looks good on any resume and a no-fault layoff is better than just up and leaving the place.

Or could it be my sense of urgency at the fact that my arthritis will, one day, make my textual and visual rumination impossible, rendering me unable to fulfill my creative duties and calling unless transformative changes in society and technology occur?

I can’t say for sure, but all three likely have a say in this perception of mine.

If I had a “dream job”, then I would be so filled with purpose that I would never want to retire.

Nor could I anyway.

Because all that I was indoctrinated with, that we were indoctrinated with, is the assumption that we work for most of our lives before following our dreams into retirement.

Obviously, I don’t care to live a FIRE lifestyle, I want to be free during my prime years of life, not well into my golden years.

Life is also too short, so there’s no guarantee that any of us sees tomorrow.

If my life is to have meaning, then searching outside the confines of conventional work is likely where I’ll be the happiest.

I’m used to being a pioneer of sorts after all.

I was a disabled and queer 4.0 GPA graduate from my AA in Liberal Arts program in community college.

I was also a 4.0 GPA graduate from my BA in Liberal Studies program, likely one of the first to do so as a transfer student.

I was a DEI hire (no I’m not ashamed) for a corporate neurodiversity program, in fact part of that very first cohort in the company.

And, more recently, I am a 4.0 GPA graduate from the first cohort of the BU OMDS program.

But being either first or underrepresented often comes with a perpetual chip on your shoulder.

It makes you feel like you need to be perfect as an imposter who, in reality, is really just posing as such.

I’m not actually smart, I just act like it and met the mark for others to agree.

I’m not really talented. Others just saw what I could do and thought it was nice. They’re probably just kidding.

I’ve lost people from my life because they didn’t like how I would talk about myself in such a negative light.

Depression truly sucks, especially when it feels like a void that you can’t escape, despite making records.

And I have no way to psychoanalyze it or to make myself feel otherwise.

I just feel this way, perpetually anxious and depressed.

But maybe it’s that drive that got me to reach those heights to begin with.

Maybe it’s the fact that I have such high expectations that anything that’s currently in existence as a part of this system looks like a dumpster fire.

And maybe that’s how it’s meant to be because, otherwise, what’s the incentive to do and want better?

What’s the point of my tortured soul if there’s no chance for refuge?

My only answer to this is that there must be one, and there must be a reason for why I want everyone to be able to benefit just as much as I would, despite my current circumstances as an unemployed, queer, disabled, Filipino American in the U.S.

So if you were to ask me about what I considered to be a dream job today, maybe I’m a bit more realistic and less pretentious than I was before.

Maybe my answer is more informed by realities that exist now, the knowledge that revolution comes closer, that polarization has only increased, and that we can do so much better as a human species than a present-day with billionaire interests usurping working class interests.

My dream job currently does not exist in the same way that my dream world, one that’s full of empathy, respect, kindness, courtesy, questioning, curiosity, and fruitful debate rather than slop and reactions, doesn’t exist.

And maybe this world will change for the better for people like me.