Imagine being with the ones you love

What’s a moment you wish you could freeze and live in forever?

Mayu was 7 when she passed and Kiba was 17. Cookie is just about to turn 3. At least once a week, I have a thought of being with all of them at once, even though Cookie never met the other two (and wasn’t even alive for Mayu).

Mayu passed away on a cold December night. That night I planned to take her and Kiba for a walk but she couldn’t stand on her own, even though she was excited. I carried her home and disappointed Kiba in the process. Hours later, she passed and I only found out after studying for a presentation that I had the day after.

I let Kiba sniff her sister one more time before I proceeded to drink a sip of alcohol (note that I have alcohol flushing syndrome) and a Benadryl when I realized that it was a mistake to have a drink the night before a presentation. I killed that presentation anyway.

7 and a half years later, I had an outpatient sinus procedure. Kiba had been slowing down over the past month, but I kept having hope that she could recover. But, less than 10 minutes after I got home, she passed away, almost as if waiting for me before she decided to say goodbye. My parents drove to a local crematorium and all I had the energy to do was bang on the wall a bit since I still had stitches. It wasn’t until the following Saturday morning, when her remains would be coming home, that I finally sobbed and felt the weight of losing my best friend.

6 weeks later, we got Cookie.

So, at least once a week, I have Cookie in my arms and I imagine that Kiba and Mayu are with me, even if just for a moment.

Many people will never understand why some of us care so much about our pets and, honestly, I hope they never do. For helplessly lonely, reclusive people like myself, our animal companions are our loved ones, and losing them is the most painful feeling because of all of the life that we lived due to their presence. I take solace knowing that my ancestors also had the same philosophy with respect to seeing their animal companions as life partners.

So this is why I freeze in these moments. I imagine that I’m with my dogs. Sometimes I’m in a cozy home, others at a field at the park. In either case, my heart is warm, soft, and joyful. These moments, fueled by grief and imagination, feel so real, so much that, sometimes, I wish I could live there.